Pregnancy - do's & don'ts

On my parenting blog today I wrote about my first ever due date.  None of my kids were born anywhere near their due dates.  Doctors may as well have tossed darts at a calendar!

As I wrote, I recalled many of the things that other people did that enraged me.  Maybe there should be a guide to dealing with pregnant women?  Oh okay, I'll compile a list.  Please feel free to add:

1.  DO NOT TOUCH!   This belly is not Buddha.  Rubbing it does not bring you luck.  It's attractive, I know, a beacon begging for your grubby hands.  You must resist.  One day someone is going to rub a pregnant belly and pull back a bloody stump instead of their full arm.  It ranks up there as justifiable homicide and if there were any mercy in the world, the case will come before a judge who has been pregnant with no toleration for being touched.

2.  Keep it above the bellybutton.  If you get permission to rub the belly  (and do ask before attempting to touch), stay ABOVE the bellybutton (easy to spot as no shirt properly hides the damn thing).  I had some creepy looking dude walk up to me in the mall with barely a hello before he started rubbing the Buddha and went too low and it nearly became gynecological.

3.  Due Dates.  It's relatively safe to ask when the baby is due and discuss preparations of the baby room.  DO NOT ask "haven't you delivered yet?"  Seriously?  Big belly = NO BABY.  Your sarcasm is not funny and not welcome.  Don't drip with sympathy either.  Hey, let's talk about the weather, what you cooked for dinner last night, work, the space shuttle, status of the Euro, you know, anything BUT the fact that the pregnancy has not yet concluded?

4.  Gender.  Really, who cares if it is a boy or a girl or what the happy couple is wanting this go around?  We're not living in a culture focused on producing male heirs so move on, okay?  If it's a boy, it's a boy, if it's a girl, it's a girl.  All anyone wants is a healthy, happy baby.  Just erase that gender question out of your mind.  Let's discuss names, okay?

5.  Horror Stories.  STOP!  I'm guilty, I know and now I try really really hard to never bring it up.  People, especially pregnant women, do not want the gory details of your sister's vomit-filled, miserable pregnancy or your coworker's long, excruciating delivery.  This is a female version of war stories.  The more gruesome, the better.  And each telling gets grosser.  Oddly, with several women in the gaggle, it turns into a game as to who has the most harrowing pregnancy and delivery story.  It's bad.  Really bad and nothing a man or first-timer ever wants to hear.  It will scare young women right into a nunnery.  For life.

6.  Delivery Details.  Don't feed the above beast.  No one needs to know her plans for epidural or how the last visit went or plans for breastfeeding.  All of these questions are lead-ins for the inquisitor to share their opinions of how the pregnant woman should proceed.  It's none of your business and if she truly wanted your input, she would have asked.  Right?

7.  Advice.  Keep it to yourself.  If new momma wants your opinions, suggestions or ideas she will ask.  Until then, get a blog and post it there.  Be the person who treats her like a human not a walking incubator.  She will love you for all eternity.

8.  "When are you going to have your next one?"  REALLY?  No one is trying for a Duggar clan, give it a rest.  This may be the one and only, or the last.  None of which, is your damn business.  This is a conversation strictly between husband and wife (or significant others or whatever their arrangement is).  If you are the grandparent, just appreciate the little bundle already in your arms.  If the couple never copulates ever again, IT.IS.NONE.OF.YOUR.BUSINESS.  Get the hell out of their bedroom, because that's what your questions mean, you vicious butt-insky.

Okay, this list ought to be longer, but I have to go to work so I can pay for my internet connection and feed my blog addiction.  Add your suggestions in the comments and I'll edit the list accordingly.

From SkippyMom:  Dear relative [Mom, MIL, sister] or BFF, If I tell you I only want my husband in the delivery room please do not act butthurt. It isn't personal. Honest. Next to making the kid this is the most private time of our lives and I have enough of an audience as it is. Sorry other moms allow it - we don't.