Why I Don't Smoke

It's so funny, people admire me for never having been a smoker because I've been able to resist.  That I've honored my body by not falling for the sweet lure of tobacco, to keep my lungs clean.

Right.

Because I am the picture of health and healthy habits.

HARDLY!

The curse of having best friends who have known you since before high school is that they know your deep dark secrets.  They can tick off every man you've ever slept with, wanted to sleep with, and the ones you managed to ditch.  They were there for your first drink, when you skipped school and they know about every surgery, ailment, cancer threat, skipped period and pregnancy.  They know what you prefer to drink, how much you can hold, your stages of drunkenness and have vivid recall of the times you passed out.

They also know why out of the three friends, I am not a smoker.  They know that I am not a die hard health nut.  They were there.

As Piranha's parents both smoked, there were always a stash of cigs.  It was nothing to lift a few to feed our budding smoking needs.  So we would walk around someone's unsupervised, parent-free house with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  Except me.

I tried.  Really, I did.  Unfortunately the stupid lighter eluded me.  To this day, bringing forth fire from a lighter is a two-hand deal.  I just cannot manage to flick the flame with one hand.  One night after much frustration, and a little alcohol in my system, I just could not get the damn thing to light.  When I finally got a flame and touched it to the cigarette with absolutely no success I finally realized that I was trying to light the WRONG END!

That was it.  Clearly I'm too stupid to smoke.