So really this is all my own fault, but PLEASE do not remind me of that. Okay? Just pat me on the head, feel sorry for my pain and congratulate me on my persistence to do the right thing. Deal?
As usual I was running late and walked out my front door at the exact minute I should have been waltzing into the doors at work. Do I vote now? Or at lunch? Or wait until after work? Yikes. My brain said get it done NOW. So I pulled my car around the corner, it would have taken less time to actually walk there, and paraded in like this was going to take five minutes. I breezed past the guys insisting on changing my vote last minute. I was relieved to see only a few people in line. Clearly this was TOO easy.
The Crypt Keeper held a magnifying glass in a shaky hand as she slowly flipped through the pages to my last name. She leaned in and looked closer. She scanned the page up and down, up and down. As she continued to fumble I could clearly see upside down a mile away that my name was not on the list. I should have turned around and left. But no, I obeyed the old woman who pointed me in the direction of another woman only a mere few years younger.
Woman Number Two wavered on what to do. She had been trained to deal with this situation, that was clear, but she wasn't sure of herself. Eventually I filled out an affidavit, but it needed some magical number that can only be retrieved from a phone call to THE BOARD OF ELECTIONS (read that with ominous tones in your head).
She would stare at the number, peck in a few digits, stare at the paper, peck in a few more, screw up, close the cell phone, open the cell phone, stare at the paper, peck in a few digits, screw up... blasted new technology. Eventually she got the number successfully entered but the damn line was busy. Close the phone and start again.
A half hour later (as much as I am prone to exaggeration, I was literally timing this ordeal along with frantic calls to work begging their understanding so I can vote in leaders sympathetic to our non-profit cause) So a half hour later, Woman Number Two, made it through to... HOLD TONES.
In between all of this, she was also performing her duty as distributor of paper ballots for chickenshits too scared to use the touch screen. This was a backassward system as Woman Number Two would point people towards another table like they should know where to go and say something about the location of the ballots, making the people think they needed to get in line with the guy checking off names P-Z. As the confused voters meandered toward the line, Woman Number Two would get their ballot, fill out the necessary spots, get a second signature from the P-Z guy and then hand them their papers and point them in a different direction towards booths with her necessary script of how to vote. Every. time.
ANNNNDDDD... P-Z Guy would intermittently come over to Woman Number Two to sign his magical book of names. And it would distract Woman Number Two from dialing or neatly stacking her slips of paper... Finally she got fed up and asked if I could listen to the hold tones of death from the Election Board (said in ominous tones) while she fiddles with the ninety bagillion other requests for her time.
45 minutes after I arrived Woman Number Two finally suggested that maybe it would be best if I went directly to the Election Board and they would allow me to cast my vote there. She was still on hold as we held this conversation.
Well Hell.
I was not pleased. I sped off to work, dropped off my computer, relayed my dramatic story to people in authority, received decent directions to an office that is amazingly close (walking distance if I were so inclined - seriously if it's more than two miles away I would be shocked).
Twenty minutes later, most of which was spent standing in line, I was properly registered by friendly, knowledgeable folks closer to my age and had VOTED!
TA DA!
There is not enough chocolate and alcohol for days like this and you know what? Some blessed soul actually brought in chocolates WITH alcohol in the center.
Sorry my stupidity took so long to read through
