POS Car Blues

Things you are likely to experience driving a POS (piece of shit) car:

 1.  Stalling out at stop lights
 2.  Broken gas gauge meaning you either
      a. Carry a gas can
      b. Continuously stop to put another $5 of gas into car
      c. Running out of gas 2 blocks away from any gas station (or as you roll into gas station)  ...a lot
 3.  You describe your car color as "rust", "technicolor", "tri" or "quad" color
 4.  Locking your car is unnecessary, sometimes impossible
 5.  You have perfected the Dukes of Hazard move of jumping through a window because doors don't properly open
 6.  Opening a car door by sticking your hand out the window because the inside knob is missing or jammed
 7.  Windows that don't roll down
 8.  Driver's door is jammed meaning you have to enter and exit via passenger side door
 9.  Mystery smell every time you use the heater (mine smelled exactly like stale hamburgers)
10. Inoperable A/C
11. Looks of pity when you drive through a "bad" neighborhood
12. Broken horn
13. Cars that whiz past you include little old ladies who can barely see over their steering wheels
14. Can only access the trunk by removing a rear seat
15. Broken radio or radio stuck on one station, usually a religious station, talk radio, or dueling accordions
16. Drooping roof liner.  People have told me about a guy who used chicken wire to repair one, many have used staple guns, and my step-dad repaired mine with RIVETS.  It was sort of pretty in a starry night sort of way.
17. Duct tape and wire hangers are holding on important parts like muffler, fenders, and hood
18. Starting up the vehicle on cold mornings sounds like waking up a grumpy giant
19. You have sliced open your thigh on jagged seat vinyl
20. Opening/closing a window involves forcing the glass up or down with your hands
21. You've ducked from gunshots... only to find out it was your car backfiring
22. Car in the driveway and you ride the bus to work
23. Other people don't park close to you
24. You find yourself standing in a junkyard looking for parts
25. While standing in a junkyard you spot a vehicle you once owned!
26. Strong arms from broken power steering
27. Oil stains mark your parking spot
28. Front window only defrosts on passenger side (actually I think that's standard on ALL vehicles)
29. Mirror cannot be adjusted as it has been repaired with super glue and bubble gum
30. You carry extra oil... and know how to add it
31. You know what a roll-over birthday is (when your car has reached 100,000 miles for the 3rd or 4th time)
32. A screwdriver serves as your gear shift
33. You're convinced the previous owner didn't understand the concept of ashtrays
34. Bullet holes (bonus points if bullet is still lodged in vehicle)
35. Before the petrified hamburger and fries science project made news you knew the results based on food left on your backseat.
36. You're fairly certain your car sat submerged in a body of water for more than a few days.
37. Seats don't adjust
38. You have to turn off the A/C to have enough power to go up a hill
39. Experience five flat tires (yes even the spare) in the same trip only to return home with tires that are worth more than the car
40. Bumper sticker concealing a crack in the bumper
41. Inaccessible glove compartment (and speculations about a hidden gun)
42. Detachable mirrors
43. Cracked windshield
44. Missing side or rear windows (extra points for using a trashbag as a replacement)


Any three of these should qualify your car as a POS.  By the way, I have experienced each and every one of these points, many of them with the same car.  I have a long history of POS car ownership, something I only recently overcame.  Do you KNOW how happy I am to own a vehicle that doesn't need to have the A/C turned off so I can go UP a hill?

Please comment if you can think of other things to add to the list.  50 items would be great, but I really want to get up to 100.

Parenting Advice

I'm in a bit of a pickle.  My son and his fiancee are expecting their first child in ELEVEN WEEKS.  Folks, grandmahood is barreling down on me (and in case you're aware of the calendar, my own birthday is TEN weeks away... it is sooooo very possible that grandbaby could pop out early and share Grandmama's birthday!  PS, "grandmama" is totally stolen from Bewitched - can you see me as Endora????)  I am soooooo excited but I also am in a bit of a quandary as to what sort of grandma I'm going to be, truly not wanting to be the super meddling Endora and Good Lord I do not plan to dress like her or wear her heavy blue eye shadow.

I know, I know, it will all work itself out, but this has been weighing on me.  I do not want to meddle and I do not want to be overbearing and I do not want to be intrusive, all of which have crossed my mind more than once.   On top of that I have a shitload of advice to unload.  They NEED to hear what I have to say.

How do I keep myself at bay?  I mean we're talking about a person with very little self control.  My kids are convinced I have turettes, dropping the f-bomb at the most inappropriate times (they learned to cuss from dear ol' mom, not their Marine Corps daddy).

So here is my solution - BLOGGING.  Ah yes, don't we just love this medium?  I revived my other blog "Whoas, Woes, and Wahs" and am using it to download all of this parenting advice rattling around in my head.  I had started it so we could share all of those Woe/WHOA causing moments, but juggling two blogs got to be too much and it really wasn't as interactive as I hoped.  But now, it seems to be the perfect place to house all of those bits of experience and whatnot that other people seem to constantly want  from me.  It's available if my son or other children ever want to seek it out, but more importantly it's keeping me from standing on anyone's doorstep shouting all of my self-imposed wisdom.

Two Months Post Op (TMI WARNING)

Nobody told me.  I was sure something was terribly wrong.  My insides were coming unstitched!

Last week I noticed what looked like dead skin coming from my incision in my bellybutton.  The closer I looked, quite difficult by its position and my deteriorating vision, it appeared that it wasn't skin but strings.  I knew what suture thread looked like, quite like thick quilting thread, and this was that.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I quickly slathered on neosporin and tried not to think about it.  Issues with bellybuttons totally oog me out.  We can guarantee that I will never possess a bellybutton ring.  I can barely watch someone poke, play or fiddle with their own bellybutton and I cannot stand anyone getting close to mine.  Is this a disorder?  Is there a name for it?

A cornered coworker, a nurse, reaffirmed my fears.  Yes, it is QUITE possible for dissolving sutures, especially the knots, to not fully dissolve and to work their way out of the body.  Like through your skin.

Later that night I bit the bullet and YANKED the string out.  It was incredibly small, no longer than the tip of a pencil.  Most importantly, I didn't faint.  Or die.  Or bleed to death.

Then a couple of days ago as I was getting dressed I brushed my injured bellybutton and something crusty fell off.  IT WAS MORE FREAKING STRING.

I emailed Piranha about my harrowing experience, warning her since she also had a laproscopic procedure just a week after mine.  She agreed, NO ONE TOLD US!  And I know her.  She WOULD faint if she had to pull a string out of a wound.

She and I are not nurse caliber.  No, we are wimps.  Bandages are placed on our wounds to save our eyes, and no other reason.

My Daughter's Birthday

Today my baby girl turns 22.  It is SO not possible that she's 22 or that I'm old enough to have a child in her twenties.  I mean, I still feel like I'm in my twenties!

And so start the cliches.

Time flies, they grow so fast, they'll be graduating before you know it, cherish each moment...

The thing that stuns me the most is how much I've forgotten.  If it weren't for photographs I fear I may have forgotten even more. 

Click on my parenting blog and help me celebrate twenty-two years of this parenting thing, all starting with the birth of my daughter twenty-two years ago.

Woes Whoas & Wahs

Friday Fragments - Jan 1, 2010

-My beloved new car that experienced $4700 damage earlier this month had to go BACK INTO the shop for a loud noise that the mechanic guy tried to downplay before he actually heard it. And it took him all freaking day to replicate the noise so he was certain I was just an over-reacting woman who doesn't know anything about cars. Dude, if I can hear a "noise" over the radio in a brand new car then there is a problem because I blast that fucker. Once he ran the defroster and let the car warm up for several minutes THEN he heard the noise and like lickity split they fixed THEIR error when they recharged my AC by putting too much stuff in it. The thing could have exploded and I would have died. Assholes.

-My ex-hole was caught screwing around on his wife. I just want to walk up to him and thunk him in the forehead. What an idiot. The kids are seriously pissed off at him. Asshole.

-The plague is finally leaving my body. This one was sneaky, I never "felt" sick. I had a persistent cough and runny nose and blamed it all on allergies so I went to work and managed to infect all of my co-workers. Sorry. I truly didn't know I was sick. If it makes you feel any better I'm suffering asthma symptoms every time I walk outside.

-New Year's Eve was spent once again with my closest friends. This year, however, Booty bailed on us, sticking closer to home as her husband tended bar at the Moose Lodge. The evening was low key, but very fun. We played Cranium. Everyone agreed there should be an "adult" version with dirty questions. The playdoh was formed into both male and female genitalia as we waited our turns. Actually the female parts were SUPPOSED to be a cowboy hat. Do with that as you will.

-Today is our postponed Christmas with the kids. I'll update on that later over on Woes, Whoas, and Wahs. I'm hoping the surprise gifts come off with satisfactory responses.

I cannot express how happy a new year has begun. I don't do resolutions, but my biggest plans this year are to complete a writing project and get my ass into some exercise routine. I would love to blog every day, but that is certainly a plan that will go down in smoke probably by the first week.

Thank you for visiting my blog. I wish you and yours a very happy and prosperous new year!

Things That Make You Swear Off Family Gatherings

Do you read my other blog? http://woeswhoaswahs.blogspot.com ?

I write two - one about my kids and parenting misadventures, and this one covering just about everything else. Sometimes, like today, it's hard to pick where to place a topic.

On Woes, Whoas and Wahs I wrote about a particular Christmas where we nearly called Christmas to a complete and eternal END. Maybe even going so far as changing religions, but not Jewish because I'm sure that would not solve the gifting fiascoes of our nearest and dearest, maybe even taking things up a notch - hard to call.

And because I am a complete and utter attention whore, please click that follow button thingie even if you never ever plan to visit either one of my blogs ever again - Woes Whoas and Wahs only has 3 followers and is feeling rather lonely.

Nothing like a little gratuitous self-promotion is there?

So, yeah, click over there. I even have it in the links that I follow so you can catch it on other days too (attention whooooooor)

NEW BLOG!!!

I'm starting a parenting blog! ooooh excitement! I'll continue my ramblings here, but the Woes, Whoas, and Wahs blog will be focused (interesting concept for my little A.D.D. brain).

So check it out, log in to follow it and leave lots of comments. And tell a friend!

http://woeswhoaswahs.blogspot.com/