Man Up Dammit

My 16 year old son, big as a grown man, needed me to come into his bedroom the other night and kill a fucking spider. On the ceiling. The child  is taller than me and can touch the ceiling. But nooooo, we had to lug out something, I think it was his safe, for ME to stand on to kill A FUCKING SPIDER. That ran three times before it got smooshed. With HIS longass shoe.

Did I mention it was on the ceiling? A spider? Above MY head? With ME teetering on a tiny box? When the child could just reach up with no effort with his own damn shoe and kill it hisownself???

I may or may not have said the following which I'm sure should be compiled in a book of things one should never say to their own children "you are going to have to give up your man card if you're going to continue go be such a pussy about spiders".

I mean seriously the only reason to keep menfolk around is to carry heavy shit and TO KILL SPIDERS. He's holding his own on carrying heavy shit but he clearly has more growing to do until I can release him out into the wild.

Damn kids.

Nothing Good Ever Falls From The Ceiling

I get the following email this morning from the beloved Piranha:

Okay, I am seriously freaking out.  I was just sitting here at my desk minding my own business when a phucking SPIDER fell from above and landed on my chest…I heard it HIT!!!  IT FELT LIKE IT FELL FROM MY HAIR!!!!!!!

I rolled my chair back and it fell on the floor so I squooshed it.  Blech!

I told my boss she’s lucky she didn’t hear me scream but if it happens again, I don’t think I will be able to contain it.

>shudder * shudder * shudder * shudder<

I respond:

THAT is ooky.   The chick in the office next me had a COCKROACH fall from the ceiling onto her keyboard!!!!

NOTHING that falls from the ceiling is ever good.  Cuz you sure as hell don't hear about MONEY falling from the ceiling or Brad Pitt?  Nope it's always something with more legs than necessary that they like to show in scary movies. 

You may quote my profound thought for the day:  NOTHING GOOD EVER FALLS FROM THE CEILING. 

You're welcome.  I might blog about that today.  So thank you!

AND THEN... Twenty minute later I had to send this message:

OH MY MUTHER EFFING GOD!!!!  AN EFFING COKCKROACH JUST SAUNTERED THROUGH MY FURKING OFFICE!    WHAT THE FORK?????  

Fortunately someone was standing there and saw it first so I didn't have to burst out into Ned Flanders screams and she squooshed it for me. 

WOMAN, KEEP YOUR BAD BUG JUJU OVER THERE!

Piranha:

Ha!  Hahahahahahahahahaha!

I guess I won’t tell you that I flushed a toilet yesterday morning and it overflowed all over the place.  THAT was also a fun start to my morning!!

Let’s just go home…

Me:

I'm skeered.   The toilet might overflow.

Sunday In My City - June 6, 2011

Welcome to St. Louis!  Currently we are in a heatwave and enduring an invasion of 13 yr cicadas (locusts).  Both of these items are subject of endless discussion on local news.  Of particular interest is that the cicadas are not affecting the entire area, that there are pockets of sweet sweet silence.  If you don't have cicadas in your particular corner of the world, the males make a noise far worse than any cricket.  It is an electric-type buzz and when you have hundreds filling the trees around you it is rather difficult to hold a conversation.  Currently people are enduring millions of the little bastards.

Me?  I happen to live in one of those particularly quiet areas.  We will have cicadas later in the summer, but we must not be hosting the breeding grounds of the 13 year variety.  Evidently the 17 year ones are expected next year, yippee!

Yesterday I ventured out to Kohl's just a few miles away, an area NOT enjoying the peace and quiet.  In fact, quite infested.  To walk from the car to the store front was an act of dodgeball I did not enjoy.  THEY FLY.  ((((shiver)))))

For you, my dear readers, I paused on my way back to the car to capture a photo for you of the disgusting beasts climbing up a tree - don't worry no close-ups.

 

So there you go, my city.  Check out other city's with Unknown Mami's Sunday In My City...

Friday Fragments - June 3, 2011

WooHoo - another Friday where we get to share all the bits and pieces and little oddities that have happened since the last time we gathered.

*Last weekend The Husband's sister came into town with her 18 month old.  He was introduced to strawberries (loved them) and while trying to tell Uncle Jimmy to shush, Uncle Jimmy went "shhhhh" and shoved his finger up his nose.  Nephew mimicked Uncle Jimmy and since everyone laughed, he did it again and again and again.

Then we went to the park and Nephew went down the slide over and over and over and over again.  Gotta love toddlers!

*Saturday night we gathered with a few couples from our group.  The other part of our gang was gathered out of town.  It seems so disjointed when we're not all together.  Times are changing and our group is too.  One couple is seriously contemplating moving out of state, another announced that their parents are putting our beloved lakehouse up for sale.  Even if we could collectively come up with the money to buy it, the repairs needed are simply out of the question.   A few days later Piranha and I were emailing back and forth about the changes in our group and we both mourn "the good ol days".  I wonder if there are stages to group friendships?  Like in our 20's we go bar hopping, 30's gather on decks in someone's backyard, and in our 40's and 50's we go on group trips and cruises?  It seems we're headed toward group trips.  I'm sure that's not a bad thing, it's just a change I will have to get used.

*Have you seen the new group settings in Facebook?  Gotta say some FB changes aren't such a pain and this one is pretty awesome.  My senior class from high school has come together and is including the grades around us for possible gatherings.   I'm still coping with not recognizing names and faces with people who graduated with me.  With a class of 350 people it's impossible to know everyone, but I'm stunned how many I've forgotten.  I keep pulling out my yearbook to see if their teenage image jars any memory.

*The heat has settled in and summer is truly here.  Evidently this is the year of the thirteen year cicadas to emerge.  Their summer mating song is screaming through local neighborhoods so loud people think they've left their windows open!  With tremendous fortune, my little corner of St. Louis has not been impacted.  People everywhere are reporting their yards coated with the crunchy shells and the little bastards flying all over the place clinging to their hair and clothing.  I would be curled in a fetal position if I was getting bombarded between my run from the front door and the car.  Unsure of what sort of critter I'm talking about?  CLICK HERE  Skippy, it's gross, you've seen it before and was none-to-pleased that I violated your eyes in such a manner - so don't go investigating.

Reader Questions - Feb 7, 2011

Do you enjoy reading these?  If so, keep the questions rolling in!

From frequent commenter, Skippy, "Where does you sense of humor come from and why do you like to torture your readers [with pictures of spiders]"

Clearly Skippy is skeeved by spiders.  I do sympathize as there are a fair number of creepy crawlies that I do not like, but for the most part pictures of them don't throw me into hysterics.  Now butchered eyeballs?  Or any pictures of instruments coming close to eyeballs?  Just typing about it gives me the shivers.  But I wasn't INTENTIONALLY trying to torture any spider-phobic readers, they just pose well for pictures.  And the post in question was about a cave cricket - a grody mutant spider thing with long spindly grass hopper legs (THOSE SKEEVE ME OUT) and I needed to share this information.  It's important to know these things exist.  A service to my readers (you're welcome).  I will try VERY hard in the future to warn you of any impending spider picture.

As for my sense of humor, that is totally to be blamed on this guy

My dad was nothing but a giant kid.  Now when my mom says that she means it in a negative way and it was the basis of their divorce.  For me and my brothers, however, it meant nothing but smiles and jokes.  He made us blue mashed potatoes, encouraged tickle fights and frequently sat down on the floor with us as we played.  All three of us have a warped sense of humor and easily slip into giant kid mode.

He would have been proud of my penchant for practical jokes and he would have roared with laughter over the retribution I have received for doling them out.

Life can be shit and he waded through plenty of it.  If we wait for everything to be sunshine and flowers we will be very disappointed people.  Make the most of what you've got where you're at and find the humor in it.  If there is no humor to be found, make it.

More Icky Bugs

This is St. Louis, not FLORIDA!  Why are there so many gross bugs living here???

THIS monstrosity is something I first saw a decade ago hanging out in my dark, dirt floor garage.  One of the neighborhood kids said off-hand that it was a "cave cricket".  WHAT IN THE HELL IS A CAVE CRICKET?

Sure enough the pure ugliness is available via Google, but my pictures were taken in my backyard when I went to replace the cover on my grill.  These bastards JUMP AT you!  They look like a spider with hellish cricket super legs.

EWWWWWWW!!!!!!

*evil grin*

Sunday In My City - September 19, 2010

Another amazing bug edition...

Yesterday while running errands we noticed this little guy catching a ride.  At one point we were going 70 mph on the highway and he was still clinging on, the wind blowing through his... antennae.  Don't a couple of these look photoshopped?  And others like a really bad 1960's low budget horror flick?

RADIOACTIVE GRASSHOPPER...

Join Unknown Mami as we all share our city:

Bees In A Sign

Like I said last week, I have a few nature shots that I need to share.  These are bees that took up residence in a sign at the beginning of the path I walk every morning. 

Uh yeah, those walks aren't happening with as much frequency as they should.  I missed nearly two months because of the excessive heat.  It's totally screwed up that at 6am it's so freaking hot that when you open the front door the heat billows in at you as if you opened an oven door.  I don't have asthma, but earlier this summer I started wheezing after my walks and I can only assume it had to do with the heat and the humidity.  So I stayed on the couch for my health! 

So now the heat has dissipated I need to get back into the swing of taking my walks.  I'm not back into it every day, but getting closer.  Today I took off work and slept in.  I could still get out there hike around the park, but I think I would rather catch up on my blogging friends.

Here are the bees...

I have no idea how many bees... I'm sorry, I guess I should properly call them yellow jackets... are crowded into that tiny spot.  By the way, I did not get very close for these shots - thank God for zoom.

Butterfly Sex

OMG!  Yesterday I ventured out to snap pictures of flowers and ended up stalking butterflies.  There was one that sat still for several shots but above her was another more annoying one that kept fluttering in and out and around like a damn bee.  Turns out I was witnessing a mating ritual.  AND I CAUGHT THEM IN THE ACT!  I mean with an extended penis and I got it on film.  How cool is that?

I can't decide if I feel more like a scientist bug person or a really cool photographer.  Whatever.  So far this is one of the coolest things I've ever captured.

Sunday In My City - August 22, 2010

Today is going to be GROSS CRITTER edition.

When I moved to St. Louis at 13 I was introduced to a new world of critters. I came from a land filled with scorpions and rattle snakes and jack rabbits and moved into one with lightning bugs (fireflies) and cicadas. The summer air was filled with tons of different sounds making a new symphony that I couldn't discern. It was much more than crickets. There were tree frogs and evidently there's a shitload of them around here. But behind it all was a constant electric buzz. "Oh that's the cicadas".

Never heard OF them before. Never HEARD them before. And they are LOUD. There are times it's almost impossible to hold a conversation over the racket - and I've lived near an airport with descending airplanes!

Around this time of the year the noise is constant from morning until late at night.

Soon the tree trunks and sides of the houses will be littered with the disgusting shells as they molt like snakes. Stupid little boys will pluck them from their resting spot and chase around those of us less thrilled.

I was camping one year and had one LAND ON MY FUCKING HEAD. I thought it was something else as there was a huge infusion of pretty butterflies on the campground. But when I put my hand on my head to pluck off the critter stomping around I was grossly surprised. It screamed and I screamed.

Most of these shots were taken from my dining room window as one plowed into the glass.  We spent quite some time saying back and forth "what was that?" it sounded like someone throwing rocks at the window.  Eventually it tangled itself into a spider web.  That was one excited little spider!  But the cicada gradually pulled himself loose and left my windowsill of doom to haunt someone else.

PS. I do not like bugs. Especially crunchy bugs. And I really do not like bugs that scream louder than I do.

That's the exciting thing around St. Louis Missouri these days.  Check out everyone else sharing their locality with Unknown Mami's Sundays In My City...

Things In My Hair

In preparation for Girl Scout camping we (the troop leader, Mental Mysteria and myself, the co-leader) took the certified camper course for adults with another 8 women from other troops.  It was a beautiful, sunny weekend.  We got to participate in all of the regular activities of setting up and maintaining a camp so we would know how to supervise our own troops - the goal being the girls do all of the work while we adults sit back and "supervise."  So we got to do the grunt work while the trainers supervised us.

Finally, we got a break from camp duties and were all gathered around the fire pit, enjoying the sunshine.  The coolest part of this weekend was that the butterflies were out in force.  They were so thick they were almost a nuisance, landing on our paperwork as we studied for certification tests.  But really it was cool to see so many.

One landed on my head and started tromping around up there and sort of pulled my hair astray from my ponytail.  I reached up to fix my hair but my hand landed on a bump that was NOT MY PONYTAIL.

And the fucker started to SCREAM.

It was a damn CICADA!

I had a screaming cicada in my hair, clinging for dear life to MY PONYTAIL!!!!  Have you ever seen a cicada?  It is a big fucking bug with a hard crunchy outer shell and it's ugly as sin and it's gross and I hate bugs and it is big and ugly and gross.  OMG!!!

Since my hand was already on it - because I froze in mortal terror - I decided to finish the deed and grasp the bastard - EW - and fling its screaming ass off of my head.

And then scream.

Here's a picture I took of a cicada shell last summer.  These bastards shed their skin all over the trees and stupid children play jokes by hooking these on each other.  ((((shudder)))))

Isn't that DISGUSTING???  A LIVE one was on MY HEAD.  SCREAMING.  AT ME!  Yes, they scream.  I guess it's more like a fucked up cricket chirp, but on crack, through a blow horn.  They are loud.  Especially when one is on your head. 

I love the Girl Scouts.  I love camping.  I love Girl Scout camping.  But really, I should have taken this as a message.

One Time At Girl Scout Camp

Mental Mysteria and I were co-leaders. Her daughter was bitching and moaning about bugs, spiders in particular. I proudly boast that for as much as I don't like bugs, spiders don't really bother me. When I see a spider I don't scream like a little girl (roaches are a whole other story).

Clearly I was setting myself up. Murphy's Law and Karma have wicked senses of humor.

We get settled into our respective tents when all of the sudden the girls in MM's daughter's tent come out screaming. THERE'S A SPIDER!!!!

*sigh* So MM and I grab a broom to escort the spider outside (we're in the woods, we're not going to kill any of the residents).

HOLY CHIT! This thing was gargantuan. It wasn't quite a tarantula, but close... probably a wolf spier. And not something you squish. Saddle and tame, maybe, but definitely not squish. Did anybody watch Arachnaphobia? The movie where the momma spider actually plots against the exterminator dude and is really adept in the duck-n-hide maneuver? Yeah, we had its sibling.

We removed all of the girls' stuff out of the tent, leaving the cots, always keeping a watchful eye on the latest location of the spider. We chased it to the middle of one of the cots and then it scampered to the edge on the side by the wall. So MM and I agreed the best method would be to just shoot the mattress out of the tent. So MM grabbed the mattress and I was positioned to catch the end and toss. She screamed bloody murder, flung her arm, the spider hit me in the chest, I screamed and the spider hit the floor and ran to the corner.

I nearly peed I was laughing so hard. Damn spider. Of course the girls are heckling me because "I don't scream about spiders"

War ensued after we got the giggles under control. MM chased it out of the corner and in a move worthy of any NHL player, I used the broom to shoot the spider out of the tent.

TA DA!!!!

I don't scream about spiders unless there is one in actual contact with my physical body.