Shocked I've churned out TWO posts in one day?
Yes, "arrest record". What the hell? Evidently the spammers out there are overly concerned about my history or something. There are five, FIVE, different messages in my junkmail (you do know you should at least take a peek in your junk folder every so often? Don't open anything up and by all means DO NOT CLICK THEIR LINKS, but just make sure email messages from me and other important people didn't get dumped there by mistake.) But anyways, five messages all titled "Your Arrest Record".
As much as I like to talk a good game I really haven't done anything arrest worthy my entire life. I rode in the back of a police car when I was fourteen for being out after curfew and with my bad-influence friends, Piranha and Booty, was escorted home. That's it. Two speeding tickets and one parking ticket all promptly paid before the deadline. More often than not I'm the crazy woman calling the police to report stray beasts wandering down the street or to make other annoying reports. I'm THAT person, not the one in the mugshot.
Sending me these messages is as off the mark as the "hot Asian girls" and "Viagra at low low prices" emails. I don't know what demographic they're looking for but I really am not interested. It does make me wonder what site I went to, what freebie crap I solicited, or who I gave my email address to?
Showing posts with label Email. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Email. Show all posts
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
You Might Be From North Dakota
Although it's on my list of places to visit, I've never been to North Dakota. BUT, my brother lives in ND and my best friend's husband is from there so I've been loaded up with all sorts of local quirks. So when an email like this comes across my computer I feel some sort of familiarity...
(Send me your local "You might be from" emails and I'll share them when my brain goes dry for blog posts)
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inchesof ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, You might live in North Dakota.
If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation, You might live in North Dakota.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", You might live in North Dakota
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, You might live in North Dakota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, You might live in North Dakota.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in North Dakota.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You might live in North Dakota.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, You might live in North Dakota.
If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord, You might live in North Dakota.
If you know how to correctly pronounce Medina, Cando, and Hebron, You might live in North Dakota.
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, You might live in North Dakota.
If "vacation" to you means going shopping for the weekend in Grand Forks, Fargo, Minot or Bismarck (while the kids swim at the Comfort Inn), You might live in North Dakota.
If you measure distance in hours, You might live in North Dakota.
If your family vehicle is a crew cab pickup, You might live in North Dakota.
If you know several people who have hit deer more than once, You might live in North Dakota.
If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, You might live in North Dakota.
If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, You might live in North Dakota.
If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, You might live in North Dakota.
If you've installed security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, You might live in North Dakota.
If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison, You might live in North Dakota.
If the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game, You might live in North Dakota.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, You might live in North Dakota.
If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Wal-Mart at any given time, You might live in North Dakota.
If there are more people at work on Christmas Eve Day than on Deer gun Opener, You might live in North Dakota.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, You might live in North Dakota.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You might live in North Dakota.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, You might live in North Dakota.
If you can identify a southern or eastern accent, You might live in North Dakota.
If you consider Fargo exotic, You might live in North Dakota.
If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your cottonwood, You might live in North Dakota.
If the sunbelt to you means Bismarck, You might live in North Dakota.
If a brat is something you eat, You might live in North Dakota.
If finding your misplaced car keys involves looking in the ignition, You might live in North Dakota.
If you go out to a fish fry every Friday, You might live in North Dakota.
If you find 0 degrees a little chilly, You might live in North Dakota.
(Send me your local "You might be from" emails and I'll share them when my brain goes dry for blog posts)
******
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inchesof ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, You might live in North Dakota.
If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation, You might live in North Dakota.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", You might live in North Dakota
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, You might live in North Dakota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, You might live in North Dakota.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in North Dakota.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You might live in North Dakota.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, You might live in North Dakota.
If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord, You might live in North Dakota.
If you know how to correctly pronounce Medina, Cando, and Hebron, You might live in North Dakota.
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, You might live in North Dakota.
If "vacation" to you means going shopping for the weekend in Grand Forks, Fargo, Minot or Bismarck (while the kids swim at the Comfort Inn), You might live in North Dakota.
If you measure distance in hours, You might live in North Dakota.
If your family vehicle is a crew cab pickup, You might live in North Dakota.
If you know several people who have hit deer more than once, You might live in North Dakota.
If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, You might live in North Dakota.
If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, You might live in North Dakota.
If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, You might live in North Dakota.
If you've installed security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, You might live in North Dakota.
If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison, You might live in North Dakota.
If the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game, You might live in North Dakota.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, You might live in North Dakota.
If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Wal-Mart at any given time, You might live in North Dakota.
If there are more people at work on Christmas Eve Day than on Deer gun Opener, You might live in North Dakota.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, You might live in North Dakota.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You might live in North Dakota.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, You might live in North Dakota.
If you can identify a southern or eastern accent, You might live in North Dakota.
If you consider Fargo exotic, You might live in North Dakota.
If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your cottonwood, You might live in North Dakota.
If the sunbelt to you means Bismarck, You might live in North Dakota.
If a brat is something you eat, You might live in North Dakota.
If finding your misplaced car keys involves looking in the ignition, You might live in North Dakota.
If you go out to a fish fry every Friday, You might live in North Dakota.
If you find 0 degrees a little chilly, You might live in North Dakota.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Stolen Phone
This story is best told through interpretive dance - aka emails to Piranha...
Piranha:
Subject: Elbow Snot
Yo! I saw your post on FB last night about your iphone…that’s pretty rotten! Do you know who stole it? How did it happen? Will your work supply another one?
Are you and The Husband considering joining us at the winery this Saturday after the shop closes for the day? Just wonderin…
Me:
yes, no, yes, no, yes
Here is my long sad saga, because I'm not going to get any work done today, that's clear. Today is my Monday, said in sad, dreary tones. I like the word dreary and have been using it a lot lately. Is that an old lady word? I'm sure it is because I rock the old lady vernacular. I speak old ladyeese. Just shy of knitting, I'd say, dearie.
Soooo... (personal information deleted for privacy reasons, but it was long and detailed and boring and pointless to the whole story. It explained why Hubby and his mother were not tending the shop for the day)
During all this hooplah I took a day off work so I could cover the shop whilst Hubby and his madre galavanted around the town of Union. It was a pleasant change of pace and I was having a wonderful day, as all wistful stories go. Hubby showed up around 2pm once he was done with his mom and at that point it seemed we had rush hour in the shop, people crowding in asking questions, wanting to buy stuff. A guy comes in and is looking for a table to put a chess board on so I take him to the back of the shop and point out a few pieces that might work. Hubby stays at the counter supervising the old woman who can't decide which basket of vines she wants. The woman was oblivious to the guy who was there before her and just assumed we were going to drop everything to help her first. Somehow I juggled the two customers at the same time. He kept pulling me away from the counter to look at stuff, but she was too. Clearly this was taking too long and a second guy came into the shop and I had no indication that these guys knew each other, just happenstance that two, young (late 20's) black guys at the same time were in our predominately old white woman customer based shop. Well, rude granny completes her major purchase of a vine in a basket and goes her merry way. The guys make their way to the back of the store feigning interest in an old, oversized TV which eventually draws Hubby out of his seat. I lug out the extension cord to prove it works and the second guy wants to look at his car to see if it will fit. Woohoo the TV works, first guy says he has to show this to the second guy and leaves the shop. Other customers come in and I go about taking care of them. Hubby walks outside to help assess the size of they guys' car - not a soul to be seen, no car leaving the lot, no black guys milling around. Hmmmm... that's odd, where did they go?
I finish up with the next set of customers and want to check my email like I was doing before the big rush and the phone is nowhere to be seen. I knew immediately that it had been stolen because I know where I left it. I had lost all concept of time being in the shop but fortunately there was that old woman's purchase on a credit card that happened in the midst of all of this so I pulled the receipt to give a specific time to the cop. Neither Hubby or I can describe the first guy even though we had the most interaction with him, but the second guy did stand out because he had a line of tattoos around his neckline. Doubt I could pick out either one of them in a line-up which is unfortunate. But we did give a better description than any of the previous victims.... uh yeah, I wasn't the first.
Today is "special" because the phone system in the office is kaput so I can't call the police to give them the serial number of the phone that was stolen. AUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!
Let's see, what were your other questions?
I won't get a "new" phone a replacement as there wasn't any insurance on it, but I still have my old phone that was notorious for dropping calls. Once our office lines are up and running we'll get my old iPhone reactivated.
As long as it's not icky gross outside on Saturday, yes, we are definitely up for a little winery escapism. Hopefully it's not a hilly location that requires Hubby to do a lot of walking. He has seriously injured both knees and can barely get around.
Piranha:
Holy snot…what an ordeal! I hope they catch the phuckers…I’m tired of me, my family and my friends being on the other side of ripped off.
I, too, am fascinated with old ladyese…interspersed with a mixture of 60’s and 70’s lingo of course. I’m a dork.
It sounds like you NEED a trip to the winery! Do you need me to make an appointment with our knee guy so your hubby can start working on a knee replacement? Maybe him and Mickalicious can get a two for one deal!
It suck being old.
Me:
It DO suck being old (read your last line)
A winery sounds great to me. I'm going to try to get Numnuts to join us. She would like us very much and she would be a new playtoy for us to bat around. I like cat toys.
Oh, spicking of cats, what is the long dreary saga with your feline roommates?
Piranha:
Too long to get into here. We are taking Charlie back to the sanctuary where we got her because I can’t take her peeing on our bed anymore. We’ve tried everything within our power to get her to stop (not to mention have spend boatloads of money as well) and nothing has helped. I feel horrible but at this point I don’t feel like we have a choice. Girl-Child is upset but is taking it better than I thought. I think it will hit her harder once Hubby leaves with her Saturday. Argh!
Piranha:
Subject: Elbow Snot
Yo! I saw your post on FB last night about your iphone…that’s pretty rotten! Do you know who stole it? How did it happen? Will your work supply another one?
Are you and The Husband considering joining us at the winery this Saturday after the shop closes for the day? Just wonderin…
Me:
yes, no, yes, no, yes
Here is my long sad saga, because I'm not going to get any work done today, that's clear. Today is my Monday, said in sad, dreary tones. I like the word dreary and have been using it a lot lately. Is that an old lady word? I'm sure it is because I rock the old lady vernacular. I speak old ladyeese. Just shy of knitting, I'd say, dearie.
Soooo... (personal information deleted for privacy reasons, but it was long and detailed and boring and pointless to the whole story. It explained why Hubby and his mother were not tending the shop for the day)
During all this hooplah I took a day off work so I could cover the shop whilst Hubby and his madre galavanted around the town of Union. It was a pleasant change of pace and I was having a wonderful day, as all wistful stories go. Hubby showed up around 2pm once he was done with his mom and at that point it seemed we had rush hour in the shop, people crowding in asking questions, wanting to buy stuff. A guy comes in and is looking for a table to put a chess board on so I take him to the back of the shop and point out a few pieces that might work. Hubby stays at the counter supervising the old woman who can't decide which basket of vines she wants. The woman was oblivious to the guy who was there before her and just assumed we were going to drop everything to help her first. Somehow I juggled the two customers at the same time. He kept pulling me away from the counter to look at stuff, but she was too. Clearly this was taking too long and a second guy came into the shop and I had no indication that these guys knew each other, just happenstance that two, young (late 20's) black guys at the same time were in our predominately old white woman customer based shop. Well, rude granny completes her major purchase of a vine in a basket and goes her merry way. The guys make their way to the back of the store feigning interest in an old, oversized TV which eventually draws Hubby out of his seat. I lug out the extension cord to prove it works and the second guy wants to look at his car to see if it will fit. Woohoo the TV works, first guy says he has to show this to the second guy and leaves the shop. Other customers come in and I go about taking care of them. Hubby walks outside to help assess the size of they guys' car - not a soul to be seen, no car leaving the lot, no black guys milling around. Hmmmm... that's odd, where did they go?
I finish up with the next set of customers and want to check my email like I was doing before the big rush and the phone is nowhere to be seen. I knew immediately that it had been stolen because I know where I left it. I had lost all concept of time being in the shop but fortunately there was that old woman's purchase on a credit card that happened in the midst of all of this so I pulled the receipt to give a specific time to the cop. Neither Hubby or I can describe the first guy even though we had the most interaction with him, but the second guy did stand out because he had a line of tattoos around his neckline. Doubt I could pick out either one of them in a line-up which is unfortunate. But we did give a better description than any of the previous victims.... uh yeah, I wasn't the first.
Today is "special" because the phone system in the office is kaput so I can't call the police to give them the serial number of the phone that was stolen. AUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!
Let's see, what were your other questions?
I won't get a "new" phone a replacement as there wasn't any insurance on it, but I still have my old phone that was notorious for dropping calls. Once our office lines are up and running we'll get my old iPhone reactivated.
As long as it's not icky gross outside on Saturday, yes, we are definitely up for a little winery escapism. Hopefully it's not a hilly location that requires Hubby to do a lot of walking. He has seriously injured both knees and can barely get around.
Piranha:
Holy snot…what an ordeal! I hope they catch the phuckers…I’m tired of me, my family and my friends being on the other side of ripped off.
I, too, am fascinated with old ladyese…interspersed with a mixture of 60’s and 70’s lingo of course. I’m a dork.
It sounds like you NEED a trip to the winery! Do you need me to make an appointment with our knee guy so your hubby can start working on a knee replacement? Maybe him and Mickalicious can get a two for one deal!
It suck being old.
Me:
It DO suck being old (read your last line)
A winery sounds great to me. I'm going to try to get Numnuts to join us. She would like us very much and she would be a new playtoy for us to bat around. I like cat toys.
Oh, spicking of cats, what is the long dreary saga with your feline roommates?
Piranha:
Too long to get into here. We are taking Charlie back to the sanctuary where we got her because I can’t take her peeing on our bed anymore. We’ve tried everything within our power to get her to stop (not to mention have spend boatloads of money as well) and nothing has helped. I feel horrible but at this point I don’t feel like we have a choice. Girl-Child is upset but is taking it better than I thought. I think it will hit her harder once Hubby leaves with her Saturday. Argh!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Nothing Good Ever Falls From The Ceiling
I get the following email this morning from the beloved Piranha:
I respond:
AND THEN... Twenty minute later I had to send this message:
Piranha:
Me:
Okay, I am seriously freaking out. I was just sitting here at my desk minding my own business when a phucking SPIDER fell from above and landed on my chest…I heard it HIT!!! IT FELT LIKE IT FELL FROM MY HAIR!!!!!!!
I rolled my chair back and it fell on the floor so I squooshed it. Blech!
I told my boss she’s lucky she didn’t hear me scream but if it happens again, I don’t think I will be able to contain it.
>shudder * shudder * shudder * shudder<
I respond:
THAT is ooky. The chick in the office next me had a COCKROACH fall from the ceiling onto her keyboard!!!!
NOTHING that falls from the ceiling is ever good. Cuz you sure as hell don't hear about MONEY falling from the ceiling or Brad Pitt? Nope it's always something with more legs than necessary that they like to show in scary movies.
You may quote my profound thought for the day: NOTHING GOOD EVER FALLS FROM THE CEILING.
You're welcome. I might blog about that today. So thank you!
AND THEN... Twenty minute later I had to send this message:
OH MY MUTHER EFFING GOD!!!! AN EFFING COKCKROACH JUST SAUNTERED THROUGH MY FURKING OFFICE! WHAT THE FORK?????
Fortunately someone was standing there and saw it first so I didn't have to burst out into Ned Flanders screams and she squooshed it for me.
WOMAN, KEEP YOUR BAD BUG JUJU OVER THERE!
Piranha:
Ha! Hahahahahahahahahaha!
I guess I won’t tell you that I flushed a toilet yesterday morning and it overflowed all over the place. THAT was also a fun start to my morning!!
Let’s just go home…
Me:
I'm skeered. The toilet might overflow.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Booger Boys
Piranha and I have been passing notes since 8th grade so when email was invented we were all over that and have transformed our communication from folded paper passed in the hall to covert messages in the middle of work.
I'll change names and any identifying stuff but otherwise I'm keeping the text in tact and you have to fend for yourself. Enjoy the ride.....
December 3, 2009
Subject: Booger Boys
QQ:
How's life chica? Work going smashingly? Got your shopping done?
[Big Girl] like her new car?
Can you tell I'm trying to avoid work?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Piranha:
Life: BUSY!
Work: kinda slow...
Shopping: ALMOST!!! Only a couple more gifts to go!
[Big Girls]'s Car: She's over the moon.
Ha ha...does that sum it up? I left out the fact that [Husband] is at
home today because the stupid Stratus wouldn't start this morning so
he has to get a new battery. (SO not in the budget.) AND, one of
the cats is pissing all over the beds and since we think it's Rocky,
he's going to the vet today to get his bladder checked. (Also, SO
not in the budget.) [Husband] is monster.coming jobs in South Carolina
as we speak. (It's something we've been thinking about for quite
awhile.) Probably won't happen for awhile but you never know!
Is it Sangria Saturday yet?????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QQ:
sangria saturday cannot come soon enough! You do not have permission
to move away so just get that notion out of your pointy little head
right now. Unless you're buying enough property to make a commune for
all of us drunks. Then it would be okay and you can keep THAT
thought in your pointy little head. But that's it. okay?
Just found out that the struts on my new maxima are being recalled so
we have to go get that taken care of soon before the bottom falls out
of my NEW car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Piranha
Cars suck and I DO NOT have a pointy head! It's shaped more like an upside down pear. (At least it is in the world according to [Youngest Child].)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QQ:
I didn't say WHICH end was pointy. You just assumed the top.
I'll change names and any identifying stuff but otherwise I'm keeping the text in tact and you have to fend for yourself. Enjoy the ride.....
December 3, 2009
Subject: Booger Boys
QQ:
How's life chica? Work going smashingly? Got your shopping done?
[Big Girl] like her new car?
Can you tell I'm trying to avoid work?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Piranha:
Life: BUSY!
Work: kinda slow...
Shopping: ALMOST!!! Only a couple more gifts to go!
[Big Girls]'s Car: She's over the moon.
Ha ha...does that sum it up? I left out the fact that [Husband] is at
home today because the stupid Stratus wouldn't start this morning so
he has to get a new battery. (SO not in the budget.) AND, one of
the cats is pissing all over the beds and since we think it's Rocky,
he's going to the vet today to get his bladder checked. (Also, SO
not in the budget.) [Husband] is monster.coming jobs in South Carolina
as we speak. (It's something we've been thinking about for quite
awhile.) Probably won't happen for awhile but you never know!
Is it Sangria Saturday yet?????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QQ:
sangria saturday cannot come soon enough! You do not have permission
to move away so just get that notion out of your pointy little head
right now. Unless you're buying enough property to make a commune for
all of us drunks. Then it would be okay and you can keep THAT
thought in your pointy little head. But that's it. okay?
Just found out that the struts on my new maxima are being recalled so
we have to go get that taken care of soon before the bottom falls out
of my NEW car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Piranha
Cars suck and I DO NOT have a pointy head! It's shaped more like an upside down pear. (At least it is in the world according to [Youngest Child].)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QQ:
I didn't say WHICH end was pointy. You just assumed the top.
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