The Flowergirl

The ideal age for a flower girl and ring bearer is somewhere between 3 and 10. Of course I didn't pay any attention to that advice, mostly because I didn't have any other children to pick from. I chose my best friend's two year old daughter. She had JUST turned two. Her ability to follow directions was limited and her ability to sit still even more limited.

She and the three year old ring bearer managed to go just as instructed down the aisle to the candy bribes waiting at the end. And so began the ceremony. The long, drawn out ceremony that would never end. I'm not Catholic and this was not a Catholic ceremony, but everyone compared it in length to one. Everyone, including the bridal party, was having problems not fidgeting. I don't know where to begin my apologies. It looked like a simple enough ceremony when I sat with the minister thumbing through his book of ceremonies. I vaguely recall that he mentioned that it was longer than the standard ceremony, but what did I know? He didn't throw out huge warning flags, he didn't knock me upside the head... how was I to know that this was an AGONIZINGLY long ceremony??? OH and then the song I chose? Well, actually my mother strongly suggested a duet from Phantom. I should have had plastic forks handed out to the guests as they arrived so that they could jab them in their eyes for amusement. Again, what did I know? I was young and stupid.

Some point while the minister was rambling about love and happiness the flower girl had managed to climb onto the wooden choir pews behind the minister. In her hard sole shoes, she stomped along the the pews, the sound echoing out through the church. Her mother was stranded as a bridesmaid and couldn't break ranks so her mom dashed up and swooped the flowergirl back to her seat.

A little while later, I was nudged by my groom and I looked over at him and then he looked at me with that silent "what?" And then he looked at me, thinking I nudged him. In unison we looked between us and there stood the flowergirl. She scooched over to a position between the groom and bestman and the scene repeated as they each looked at each other thinking the other was trying to get his attention.

Thereafter I never witnessed any more of the flowergirl's activities. It was reported that during the vow exchange she stood between us with a hand on each of us, like she was pulling us together - I had no clue, I was too busy trying to repeat my lines correctly. Later she evidently took a corsage pin and contently sat on my train trying to poke holes in it.

My mother-in-law was horrified. I thought it was hilarious.

No Cable

I live under a rock. There are whole conversations that I can never participate in because I don't have cable. (((SHOCK))) How the hell can I function without ever seeing Sex In the City, Sopranos or South Park? To be honest I do feel deprived. But somehow I manage to string my days together and survive just the same.

For the most part, the decision to live sans cable has been financial. My AOL subscription is about the only luxury I've allowed myself. But it's also because I'm such a TV junkie. I doubt if I had 24 hour access to the History Channel that I would ever pry my ass off the couch. I can see calling in sick to work because I just came off a Cooking Channel flan marathon and need some sleep. Eventually I would lose my job and get behind on my cable bill and then be in the same boat I am now with no cable, but also no job, and curled up in the corner, shaking from withdrawl, because I can't watch the lastest episode of some ghost buster show.

It's clearly in my best interests that I subsist on Free TV. Being hooked on Grey's Anatomy, Desparate Housewives, Medium, and Boston Legal consumes enough of my time as it is. Having Grey's bumped for the Oscars threw me into a tizzy. Last night I went on a rampage looking for a shadow box that I hadn't seen since I moved two years ago (I knew it made the move, I could not have left it at the old house!). Fortunately I found the shadowbox, but I also missed Medium. DAMMIT!

But all is not lost. Sex In The City, Sopranos, and South Park have come out on DVD. Us under-rock dwellers who have managed to come into possession of a DVD player can finally be let in on the secret. Albeit 5 years after the fact.