If you ever read Single Dad Laughing you're going to come across some really interesting conversations. He offers a lot of thought provoking topics and a discussion follows in the comment section. He's a viral superstar of the blog world. His posts fill Facebook as everyone, including myself, share links to his blog. So a post came up yesterday about a topic near and dear to his heart, a video of a young man crying and sharing a heart tugging plea against bullying.
Click Here to read
No no no... do not continue reading my post until you hop over to SDL's post and cry your eyes out. I'll wait.
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting
oh, you need to grab more tissues? I'll wait...
waiting
waiting
waiting
Tugs at the heartstrings, doesn't it? How many of us just want to pull that little guy into your arms and rock him until the pain goes away? I sure do.
This post came on the heels of several other conversations in my world. A Facebook friend lamented being invisible, another posted the most disheartening, nearly suicidal post that I still can't shake. I told yet another friend that I'm pretty sure he was a bully in high school.
Here are adults grappling with bullying and victimhood.
I'm not going to climb up on my soapbox and preach against bullying. Today I want to talk about being the victim.
We all have been victims at some point in our lives. I was the "skinny girl" most of my life and had to entertain incredibly rude comments over something I had NO control over. I wrote about it
(here) and hoped my message to "think before you spout" got through. It wasn't to feel sorry for me, no I did that enough for all of us. I just want people to think before they speak.
And isn't that the heart of the message for 99% of this anti-bullying rampage? We as a society have already started to push back against the overly-pure campaign to be politically correct. It's gotten to the point that our conversations have been stripped of any vibrancy in fear of offending anybody. I feel as though anti-bullying has become the latest witch hunt and the fallout is going to be just as devastating as the crime of bullying.
I'm not underestimating the effects of bullying. It's real and it must stop.
But let's properly define it. Just because you are a victim does not make the inflicter a bully. In fact, I would imagine a good number of accused bullies are just as much of a victim as the rest of us. What makes someone a bully is INTENT. Are they INTENTIONALLY inflicting harm? Beating up kids, shoving people into lockers, taunting... those are acts of a bully. Me being called "skinny" by old ladies? No, they were not bullies. It doesn't take the sting away any less than if I my entire high school lined up and chanted it as I walked by, but it doesn't define who was the bully, only who was the victim.
Far be it for me to blame the victim, but I do feel as though victims hold some responsibility - not that they were responsible for what happened to them or caused it any way, but they are responsible for their reactions. They have a responsibility to REACT. And that responsibility is not to lie down and continue being the victim.
Get up, leave the situation. Report the crime. Take precautionary measures not to be there again. Speak up. Advocate.
And Lord help me for the fallout over this one.......... Get over it
Yes, me, the girl who spent her entire life being told how her physique made everyone around her want to vomit. I couldn't leave the situation until I got fat, there was no crime to report, and there was no way to prevent it in the future. I never spoke up directly to the people who caused me pain. I do advocate now but I still haven't gotten over it - I'm still a victim. I'm still laying on the ground pissed off at those evil old women and their venomous tongues.
Does that make them bullies? No, it only makes me a victim.
Honestly I'm not all that pissed off. In many ways I'm grateful because it made me into the strong, vibrant person that I am today. Whoa, is that me getting over it? I think so.
So let's return to Jonah and his message. Something that hung with me was his message at the end - not a suicidal melt-down, but hope. His internal strength to survive shone through. He was on his way to removing himself from victim to victor. If you read today's post from Single Dad Laughing there is a
second video from Jonah - he did survive, he did overcome.
But let's dice that first video apart...
Bullied since FIRST GRADE? I've worked with first graders. They're a tough crowd. They say mean things and are really physical, pushing each other around and such as they learn that brawn is not the socially acceptable way to resolve conflict. But there are adults, a lot of them. They may not see all or hear all, but they're pretty aware if the pack starts ripping on the runt and are supposed to intervene. WHERE WERE THE ADULTS for Jonah?
Parents? We hear again and again from parents whose kids committed suicide that they were astonished there was a problem. I think this point scares the living crap out of every single parent. We hope we would know something was wrong. But we don't. It is our job to teach our children to TELL US when they are hurting. They need to feel safe that not only will they NOT be told to suck it up, but that action will be taken. Something, anything, if only to hold conversations with teachers, principals.
Seven years of bullying? From the same kid? Really? In high school I see that sort of persistence, but not in elementary school. At some point the bully is going to get caught - kids just are not that smooth. It may not stop the bullying but it's not flying under the radar, seriously it's not. Again, parents, if your kid is reporting bullying you have to keep up your end and keep pushing back at the school.
Gay? There is not a single elementary kid out there who knows what that means. It's just an insult swung around. It's a forbidden word. Come to St. Louis and call somebody a "hoosier". That is literally an insult, nothing to do with being from Indiana, and it will result with you being punched in the face. What the term means has nothing to do with the caller's intent. I was a second grader who called another white kid a "nigger". I had no clue what the word meant, just that it was an insult.
My point is that elementary kids fling insults. Insults without meat.
We as adults are in charge of not only teaching to not toss around insults (but that's going to mean you need to clean up your own mouth - good luck) or better yet, to teach our kids that the garbage coming out of other people's mouths has nothing to do with them.
I'm saying we need to teach our kids to NOT BE THE VICTIM.
It is the reaction, the oh-no-you-called-me-a-bad-name and I'm going to breakdown, that encourages a pack mentality to tear apart fresh meat.
Get up, leave the situation. Report the crime. Take precautionary measures not to be there again. Speak up. Advocate. Get over it.
LAUGH
Yes. Teach your children to laugh at themselves. I'm not talking about self-deprecating humor, but "ooops, I made a mistake, hahahahaa" and move on. The I-put-on-one-blue-shoe-and-one-black-shoe-and-posted-on-facebook-what-an-idiot-I-am... hahaha... laughing at the little stupid things we do and not obsess over it for the rest of your life humor. Kids need to learn that we all, big and small, smart and dumb, make mistakes. They also need to learn to not point out other people's mistakes, short-comings and what-not (that would be bullying behavior). Okay to laugh at me, not okay to laugh at you. Okay to laugh WITH you, not okay to laugh AT you. These are fine lines but trust me, children are capable of grasping the concept.
Remember the friend I recently accused of being a bully in high school? He thinks he's funny, a real comedian. Everybody laughs and no one is hurt. Or so he thought, well... still thinks. At no point in his comedic career has anyone stood up to him (he's kind of a large guy) and pointed out that his blundered attempt in humor is actually hurtful. Nope, not once. I'm the lone voice of decent. And clearly I'm off my rocker. His friends adore him! Of course they do, I do too, but a) he's not funny, and b) he steps on a lot of toes. A whole lot. He is a bull in a china shop.
....aaaaaaand that's where the word "bully" comes from. Behaving like a bull. Plowing forward, getting your way.
My friend is a bull.
But he's a friendly bull. A guy who just wants to be liked and truly thinks he is funny. It would break his fragile, misguided heart to know the path of destruction his mindless humor has left. In many ways
I am the bully for pointing out his shortcomings.
So where does it end? What has happenend in the past few years is nothing short of a witch-hunt for bullies. And in the end, we are victimizing a whole new set of people. That doesn't diminish the vicitmization of the first set, just adding to the death toll. And I mean that literally.
Kids who are committing suicide aren't just the ones who get shoved in lockers and have the holy hell beat out of them, they are also the kids doing the shoving and beating. It is a sad, horrible two-way street.
No one,
NO ONE deserves to die. Put that in your pro-life pipe and smoke it. Oh sorry, just jumped soapboxes - but I do find it odd that the very people who smugly sit back and think "well good, that's one less bully on the street" are the same ones with a whole political agenda about the sanctity of life plastered on the back of their cars, in their front yards and all over the internet.
NO ONE DESERVES TO DIE
NO ONE SHOULD BE PUSHED TO TAKE THEIR OWN LIFE
EVER
Suicide is a sin, not for the person committing it but for those around him who allowed it to happen.
Who is the victim now?
I dated a guy a few years ago. He was a large guy, not the same bumbling comedian I just mentioned. He was tall and a body builder. He said once that he really hated going to bars. Yeah, yeah, we all hate the meat-market scene. No, he hated going because men would come up to him and try to pick a fight. They would do this to show off, to the other men, to themselves, and most of all to impress the ladies. It happened a lot. He even worked as a bouncer since he had so much experience in bar brawls and it never stopped.
He was a gentle giant who liked to romance his girlfriend, eat nice food and watch TV. He never got a break.
Do you remember the video that came out not too long ago that everyone championed as the scrawny kid tried to beat the crap out of the big apy kid? Woo hoo, the victim fights back! Right?
The truth of the matter is that we weren't there. We don't know the back story. Was it the stereotypical big kid bully tossing his weight around, tormenting the little kids? Or was it another low self-esteem kid trying to prove something? How many times does the big kid have to endure the taunting, the teasing, the comments about his size, until he lashes out and puts an end to it? He can pummel the twerp or he can go home and cry his eyes out.
WHO THE FUCK IS THE VICTIM?
It's not black and white. There is no clear line to draw. Bullying needs to stop, but better than punishing a new set of victims, why don't we start working on COMPASSION?
We need to stand up to people like my not-so-funny friend and tell them that what they say is hurtful and retrain their conversations, but we need to do it in a compassionate way. We need to teach our kids to stand on their own strengths so they don't need to tear someone else down to build themselves up. We ALL need ot learn that people are going to say rude, thoughtless, and sometimes hurtful things. Move on.
I had another similar conversation where a woman asked why kids today always use the word "gay". I confessed that I'd been saying it since high school, along with the word "retarded". Neither one was a knock against the gay and lesbian community or the mentally challenged. Ooooohhhh.... look at me being politically correct.
I gotta tell you, I'm exhausted from being politically correct. I'm tired of hearing how swear words and politically incorrect phrases are signs of not using your intelligence. Please. I love using alternative phrases. I really enjoy hearing how other cultures use full phrases as a curse instead of a single word. But dammit, I do love tossing out the random FUCK and a whole slew of other savory curse words. I am really really sad over the loss of the word RETARDED. It was dictionary-correct in so many ways that I used it. This whole issue is retarded.... backwards, not fully formed. I hate that perfectly good words are being bastardized. I'm pissed that some tiny German dictator took a perfectly beautiful quilt pattern and turned it into the symbol of genocide and arian supremecy. What a fucking jackass.
So here we are, back to the issue of INTENT. I would never want to hurt anyone by saying an issue is retarded or gay. That's not my intent. I'm a nice person with a foul mouth, good gracious. My funny friend isn't trying to hurt anyone, that not his intent! Intent.
It doesn't excuse the behavior. We are responsible for our actions and reactions.
So I'm responsible for what I say and do. I accept that.
And you know what? So is the victim.
Just because some rude, thoughtless asshole said something offensive does not make you the victim. You CHOOSE your reaction. Stand up, lay down, ignore it, fight it...
advocate against it...
report it...
do nothing...
let it fester...
let it fuck up the rest of your life.
Let's also consider that anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, can be offensive. Some people have a propensity to be offended over the most, tiny minut thing. We can tiptoe around them, but at some point it's impossible to not do something that's going to hurt their feelings. It's like being around a hypochondriac always suspecting every little sneeze or cough to be the next plague as they retreat to their couch feigning a possible heartattack. MOVE ON.
Interpretation. Words and acts have only as much impact as you, the recipient, give them. This is less effective with physical objects being hurtled at you, but words? Words and phrases only are as painful as you let them be. You were just called gay? So what. Ignore it and continue on. Oh, you ARE gay? Or you suspect you're gay or at least have some homosexual tendencies? Then being called gay could have more impact than say, if someone said it to me. We hear with our own filter. The other person's intent gets lost in the shuffle and now we're dealing with your own internal issues. Let's pull out a couch and pay the doctor big bucks as we go down the path of much need therapy. Suddenly a coworker commenting that you look happy today gets twisted into this long saga of how you've been called gay since junior high and now you hate that bitch for being a bully and you tell everyone around you how she's so immature, calling people names. Soon the rest of the office ostrisizes her, stops inviting her to lunch, creating a hostile work environment for her, even leaving threatening messages on her car.
And because she was just trying to be nice, yet again, in a new city, far away from those assholes she grew up with, it's clear everone hates her.
Pills down her throat, dead.
Tell me again who the bully was? And who was the victim? And why are we standing so smugly on our pretty white pedistals casting judgment left and right? Doling out justice in the form of a scribbled noted annonomously left under a windshield wiper?
It is our job to teach our kids something that very few adults seem to understand. Somebody can hurt you, whether or not they intended harm, YOU decide how it will impact your life.
You don't have to be the victim for the rest of your life.
